The Wizard of Oro!
by Burnt Up Old Sausage
Summary: Chapter 4! Yes, it's finally done, indeed it is! (gasp wheeze choke fall over dead)Urk... I have to fill out High School applications...Crispy doesn't like having to do actual WORK for a change...Anyway, Shishio sells skin cream, Yumi is so OOC it's scary
1. Our story opens

--------------------THE WIZARD OF ORO-------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------

(When Crispy-san gets addicted to putting lines going across the paper…) Anyways, This one was kinda getting bored of her other stories, and had a random idea, so here it comes! Never fear, (Or don't rejoice just yet, for most of you out there…) Crispy-San will keep working on the other stories as well. Just have patience and optimism! n.nx

(Backstage, A.K.A. employee's lounge, in the middle of a heated argument…)  
Sojiro: How come I have to be this… D-oro-thy person??

Crispy: Weeeelllll…… I have other plans for Yumi-san and maybe even Makimachi-dono, and you ARE the only Juppongatana person to wear blue and white…

Sojiro: Still! Kamatari-kun is WAY more feminine than me! Why on earth do I have to be stuck as the transvestite?! We have one living in the SHRINE, for crying out loud!

Crispy: Kamatari-dono is already playing the--- (Cheesy music comes in)

Crispy: Sojiro, hurry! Put on the blue and white checked gi and come up on the set! We're starting!

Sojiro: (grumble grumble…)

(Story opens up, Sojiro-chan is standing outside the rice farm where he grew up, leaning against a magically appearing fence. (Don't worry, no evil parents! For Sojiro-san's sake.) …with a big furry walrus plushie. (Walruses are SO infinitely much cooler than puppies! Don't ask how Sou-chan found a furry one, though… 0.o)

Sojiro: (sigh) Today is so infinitely boring… I know! Wendell, let's visit that old geezer in the oddly time-period-challenged motor home!

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: YEAH!!

(Sojiro drags Wendell along on a cleverly designed walrus leash™.)

(Saizuchi walks out of the motor home, with a tray of sausages.)

Crispy: sob sniffle ; . ;

Saizuchi: (Hugely overdone hillbilly accent) Weeeell, now, if it ain't my ol' pal Sojiro! How'joo young 'uns like to join me in some saw-seee-jez?

Sojiro: (scared out of his life) Uh, it's quite alright… Saizuchi… I'm, uh… vegan. (attempts to hide turkey sandwich behind back)

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: I WANT PORK INTESTINES! I WANT PORK INTESTINES! (eats tray of sausages, plus the plate.)

Sojiro: Now, there, Wendell, be respectful of the laws of nature. Stuffed walrus plushies that talk can't go around eating other peoples' pig innards.

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: ; . ; ……That's discrimination!!! I could SUE!!

Sojiro: Sure. Now I'm gonna be sued by a walrus plushie…. That's just sad. MOVE THE PLOT AHEAD, CRISPY-SAN!! (Crispy takes note and skips over part of the story.)

Sojiro: Look! A tornado! How unexpected!

Saizuchi: Oh, crap. Now I will run into my time-period-challenged motor home and survive while you pass out after being hit in the face with a mysteriously flying window.

Sojiro: Savvy.

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Moo.

Sojiro: ?......... WAIT! I missed my cue! I was supposed to sing that one song! At that one place! With that one rainbow in it, and—

Crispy: Later, Soji-san. You have to run for your life now. Blame L. Frank Baum. Not me.

Sojiro: Hold up, hold up! ! You're the one that had the dumb idea for this parody, anyway!  
Crispy: Look, there are a lot of people with worse parts than you.

Kamatari, Shishio, Yumi, Chou, etc.: WORD.

Shishio: Do I really have to wear this costume? It's so itchy! Yaaaaargh!!!

Kamatari: Why can't I have a REAL part?!  
Misao: Well, at least you're all guaranteed an appearance! I'm just kind of… in escrow…

Usui: I don't see it anywhere in this stupid script!! Crispy, don't tell me you FORGOT about me?!? ; . ;

Crispy: You'll all know soon enough, de gozaru… anyways, reviewers! If you have smiled, laughed, chuckled, etc.! Leave a review! I will continue writing if people show interest! Otherwise… it's back to planning out some random overdue science assignment…! meeeep… OH! In the next chapter, Sojiro will sing the rainbow song! Just a random little notice.

-Crispy


	2. And continues Sojiro sings the rainbow s...

Where we last left our hero and plushie, they were running in fright from the tornado, and from Old Man Saizuchi. (More from the latter of the two.) Sojiro ran to the house, and tried to open the door to the Sake cellar, but the trapdoor was bolted shut. Loud, off-key singing in an indefinable language reached our favorite Tenken's ears, which he quickly covered, and ran off in despair. "OH, look!! A rainbow! (mumbling: very apt weather conditions for one, naturally…) NOW I get to sing! Right before I get blown off to kingdom come!"

Randomly appearing politician: (Randomly appears) The Meiji Era started 10 years ago! No kingdoms! No! None! Zip! Zilch! Nada!

Shishio: (runs in randomly) Weak get smushed! DIE, DIE, DIE!!!! (kills politician) (Another quote from Pu-chan…. sorry…not again, totally non-creative mind…)

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: OK, we get it. Just shut up and let Sojiro sing! Crispy-san is already stretching this poorly-thought-out storyline enough!

Sojiro: AHEM. (Normal text is what Sojiro says, bold is Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie's™ comments and/or remarks.)

(Music comes in)  
Somewhere, over the Heavens…**sword…** (Sorry, bad Tenken joke...)  
Way up high, **well, duh…**  
There's a land that I heard of, **...where Talking Walrus Plushies named Wendell are worshipped…**  
Once in a lullaby. **It was your ever-loving family that sung to you, right?**  
Somewhere over the Heavens… **This is getting old…**  
Skies are blue, **The sky is not blue. The sky is black. It is the condensation of water molecules and oxygen that make it appear blue. **(Wendell is a science major)  
And the dreams you have about caffeinated pastries**…Are rudely shattered as some cross-dressing dude in gingham pulls you along on a leash.**  
Really do come true. **Feh. In your dreams. Literally. Ohohohohoho.**

Someday I'll Shukuchi out to buy pastries, and mysteriously fall asleep on the way…** Explains Crispy's desperateness to make the next line make sense...**  
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.** And I thought Shukuchi speed was difficult to attain normally, but while sleepwalking? Dangerous, it is.**  
Where troubles melt like pastries with several 8 pound bags of sugar poured on them beforehand…**Uh-oh… Sojiro is getting that look…**  
Away above the chimney tops **…what is this "chimney" of which you speak??**  
That's where you'll find me.** …but, NO!! SOJIRO, THAT MEANS NO PASTRIES!!!**

Somewhere over the Heavens…**Yaargh, curse this repetition nonsense!**  
Bluebirds fly… until Shishio-san sees them, at least… **That guy really needs to get some lawn flamingos.**  
Birds fly over the Heavens, but only if Shishio-san doesn't introduce them to his mugenjin first…) **True, true… but then wouldn't the birds die from lack of oxygen at that altitude…? **(Science major and severely critical plushie Wendell strikes again…)  
Why then, oh why can't I? **Newsflash: Sojiro can't fly. And bemoans this in song, to all those bored enough to be reading this. Joy.**

If happy little bluebirds fly **…Happy?? As _bluebirds?! _I'd rather be a walrus.**

Beyond the Heavens, **Aww, crap, this repetition nonsense again…**  
Why, oh why can't I? **Sojiro… we've been through this… It's a simple matter of weight ratios! A 100 pound Sojiro could not flap plastic wings fast enough to lift himself off the ground! **(Wendell is cut off by Crispy-san, who does not want to be sued by Monty Python.)

Suddenly, the notes to the song are cut short by violent sounds coming from the radio room (Where the cheesy music was coming from)

Usui: (Who has been managing the speaker system) Curses! Now where did I place that key?? Bother, bother…

Crispy: USUI! What in the name of sugary pies is going on here!?!?!

Usui: Well, Crispy, my good chum, I seem to have misplaced the key to lock that yonder cage. I heard rabid clawing and foaming at the mouth, (Shishio: _I'll bet _you did…) and opened the cage to see whatever the poor befuddled creature had done to put itself into such a tizzy. Well—

Crispy: Two things. One, cut out the British accent. Two, you're a freakin' idiot. That was the cage that held captive Skippy the Underwater Clown!! (cue dramatic music) (Sorry, inside joke…)

Sojiro: (scared) Skippy the Underwater Clown?? O.o

Crispy: Visualize a 7-foot-tall evil clown with green skin, webbed fingers, scales, and pointy teeth. And a red haired wig.

Usui: meeep…

Saizuchi: What's WRONG with red haired wigs, may I ask?!

Crispy: **NO! OLD GUY!! DIE, DIE!! **(Starts conking him over the head with a 350 pound post-it note)

Sojiro: Oro… hehe… (starts stumbling backward)

Crispy: OK, we now have a deranged mutant clown loose on the set. Nobody panic. We've had worse. (Recalls vivid memory of last year, when Iwanbo, Fuji, and Kamatari kept acting out various soap operas. ("**NO!! NOT ROSEANNE!! _ANYTHING _BUT ROSEANNE!!"**)

Usui: (Who can read minds with the Heart's Eye thing…) NO!! Painful memories!! NO!! I need to purge my head!! (Runs outside, sound of banging head on a brick wall is heard distinctly)

Sojiro: …

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Well… that brought this to a screeching halt.

Crispy: Well, we can always continue later… I guess… PROCRATINATION SHALL ALWAYS PREVAIL!!! KYA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!

Sojiro: ((0.0))

Crispy: Oro… I'm starting to scare people… oh, by the way, about the next chapter! Tea and biscuits courtesy of Usui to whoever can guess who any of the witches will be…(North (Glinda) West, East, and, in my story, SOUTH! Ororo…) All Ruroken, but a couple non-Juppongatana, which is pretty rare for my writing… lol.

-See you guys later, Crispy


	3. Some plot development, for a change!

Chapter…threethreethreethreethreethreethreethreethreethreethreethreethreethree…..!

And, introducing…

OOC Kenshin!

OOC Kamatari! (the carcass of whom…)

OOC Yumi!

OOC Sojiro!

OOC Chou!

OOC Misao, the schizophrenic itachi!

OOC Shishio-dono…. Ok, maybe not _that_ OOC…  
Kagura's guest appearance!

Insanity! (Hear, hear!)

Egotistic Talking Walrus Plushies!

Annoying spoiler lists that have no plot whatsoever! …Ehe, Sessha will continue the story now…de gozaru yo…

OK, after absolutely _nothing_ happened in the last chapter, I will make more pitiful attempts to give you an author to laugh at, but doing so while moving the story along at its own, stagnant pace…

Suddenly, Sojiro heard a howling. "**SAITO! IS THAT YOU AGAIN?**"

Saito: hehe… gomen…

Crispy-.-"

Suddenly, Sojiro heard a howling… of wind, this time! (n.n")

Sojiro: As I expected… it was _you, **Kagura!**_

Kagura: (sweeps Sojiro and Wendell up in a tornado) Hahahaha! You will never be free of Naraku!

Sojiro: Who is this… Naraku dude…?

Crispy: sigh… Let's just cut to the chase, minna-san…

(Sojiro and Wendell are whirled around in the tornado, in dire distress and peril…)

Sojiro: WHEEEEEEEEEE! n.n

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Tornado sickness! Tornado sickness! Such utter nonsense!

Kagura: I'd better be paid good for this…

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: **AIIIIEE! BAD GRAMMARS! WE HATES IT, WE DOES!**

Gollum: (suddenly in the tornado) AAUGH, my precious…! They COPIES us, they do!

Sojiro: AAAK, scary guy, _scary guy!_ (mumbling) Even Saizuchi isn't _that_ obsessed looking…

Kagura: Crispy, you freeloader, get over here! Where's my cash! You promised to give me cash and pastry dough (Sojiro's eyes lit up…) if I was in this stupid play, anyways! **_Where's my dough!_** (A/N: That is one of the very rare puns I make that actually makes sense…)

Crispy: Uhmnn…. hehe…do you take… uh… (rooting through her pockets) uhm… Pringles..?

Kagura: Hmmn, "Pringles…" what are these… salty yellow cholesterol-loaded things…?

Crispy: (beginning to see a way out of this…) Well, uh, you eat a couple, and are forever immune to Naraku's control! n.n"

Kagura: Free, you say… **I'll _do_ it!** (A/N: After this fic, Kagura returned to the Warring States Period, and was insanely close to world domination after she vanquished Naraku. The only person that stood in her way was Sesshoumaru-Sama, who later killed everyone and became "Lord Fluffy-Sama," which I believe is more than a little redundant. All the good guys died somehow except for Kagome, (ran back to her own time in fear) Shippou and Rin, (too kawaii to kill! n.n) and Miroku and Sango, because they are such a cute couple that even an evil person like Crispy-san wouldn't try to kill them off… Plus Sango is awesome! n.n This series of events also called, "Crispy's cataclysmic doomsday-style downfall of the Inuyasha Universe." Call it what you will, I guess…)

(Tornado ends abruptly, Soji-kun and Wendell fall to the ground.)

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: WOW, that had to be like, a 2 foot drop.

Sojiro: I… I don't think we're in Kyoto anymore……

Schizophrenic Misao #1: How right you are! You're in the land of the Itachi! I'm Misao! And **I'm** the _Okashira_ of the Oniwabanshuu!

Schizophrenic Misao #2: No, **I'm** the _Okashira_! And **I'm **Misao!

Schizophrenic Misao #3: You guys are all wrong! Just ask Aoshi-sama, he can always tell who **I** am, the most beautiful of all you imposters!

Schizophrenic Misao #4: Well, I'm sexier!

Schizophrenic Misao #5: I can throw more kunai!

Schizophrenic Misao #6: I have a bigger chest!

Schizophrenic Misao #7: You do _not!_

Schizophrenic Misao #8: This is confusing me…

Sojiro: I don't know if I should be surprised, scared, or asking you where the Hell the land of Itachi is…

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Psst. Number 6 is mine. _Mine._

Sojiro: Orororo…

Schizophrenic Misao #4: …HEY, you sound just like Kenda when you say that!

Sojiro: …Kenda…?

(pink—er, FUCHSIA bubble appears, and drifts across screen. Spongebob and Patrick run after it, when it pops in a flash of laundry-scented light.) (A/N: If you still don't know who Kenda is… I'm worried about you... -.-)

Sojiro: **GAA! IT'S THE CROSS-DRESSING BATTOUSAI!**

Kenda: …

Schizophrenic Misao #7: Kenda is the ruler of the Land of the Itachi, but spends most of his-(cough) **_her_** time in the Land of the Tanuki, instead…

Schizophrenic Misao #2: Heartless baka.

Schizophrenic Misao #6: It's all because of _you,_ Schizophrenic Misao-imposter #9! You're so ugly, it's gotta be you that's keeping my Aoshi-sama away, as well!

Schizophrenic Misao #9: Did I _have_ to be mentioned…! I wanted to keep out of this!

Schizophrenic Misao #3: It's because of _him!_ (points to Sojiro's party) Look! Isn't he so _adorable!_

Schizophrenic Misao #94 (Yes, #94) GLOMP HIM!

(All Schizophrenic Misaos run to Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™ and begin worshipping him…)

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Well, what can I say? The girls love me! I told you, Sojiro—**Flippers are _sexy!_**

Sojiro: Ororo… (backs away nervously)

Kenda: Don't forget about Sessha, de gozaru ne! (A/N: I'm always just guessing at the verb forms of "gozaru"… I know no Japanese… like, at all……)

Sojiro: The Land of the Itachi kind of scares me… (Kenda: You're telling me…?) I want to return, but not to Kyoto… **VEGAS, BABY!**

Kenda: Oro…

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: **I **don't mind it here all that much…

Schizophrenic Misao #1-764: **I, the non-imposter Makimachi Misao,** wish it to be known that Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™ must remain here with us Itachi!

Schizophrenic Misao #376: (A philosopher) It would serve the greater good.

Sojiro: NO! Wendell is my _friend!_

Kenda: If Sessha could get a word in edgewise—

Schizophrenic Misaos: MINE!  
Sojiro: MINE!

Kenda: It's useless, de gozaru de…

Schizophrenic Misaos: **MIIIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEE!**

Sojiro: Mine.

Kenda:** insparra! Sessha is svensk!**

Sojiro: Ororororo…

Schizophrenic Misao #542: Himura speaks Swedish…? Even _Crispy-kun_ had to use a translator for that…

Crispy: Proves Battousai is Scandinavian. Case in point. Moving on.

Kenda: Now that I (coughcough) _finally_ have your _attention…_

Schizophrenic Misao #81: Not me! I have ADD!

Kenda: umm, great. Now, Sojiro-dono, if you want to get to Vegas…

Sojiro: Uh-huh.

Kenda: You

Sojiro: Uh-huh.

Kenda: Have to

Sojiro: Uh-huh.

Kenda: Follow the

Sojiro: Uh-huh.

Kenda: path of

Sojiro: Uh-huh.

Kenda: Neutral-toned Berber carpet material!

Sojiro: Uh-huh.

Kenda: Yaaargh……. Sessha's blood pressure… skyrocketing…

Sojiro: Uh-huh. n.n

Kenda: Oh, by the way, you killed some transvestite when you fell.

Sojiro: Aren't we _all_ transvestites in this dumb play…? Why I swear I heard Crispy-san—did you just say I _fell on somebody!_

Crispy: This is exactly why I didn't let Iwanbo play Oro-thy.

Audience: Oro…thy?

Crispy: …

Kenda: Yeah, you hit that witch over there, Honjou Kamatari, the witch of the Pastry Dough!

Crispy: Soji-kun helped me think of the name.

Audience: Ah.

Sojiro: (smiles) hehe… oro, I mean, Kamatari-kun! Are you all right?

Kenda: S/he died.

Sojiro: NOO!

Schizophrenic Misaos: YAAAAAY!  
Sojiro: Will we ever agree on _anything…?_

Schizophrenic Misaos: Doubt it.

Kenda: Now, before Sessha is forgotten again…! Sojiro, you must follow the path of the Neutral-toned Berber carpet material, if your dreams of reaching Vegas are ever to be achieved.

Schizophrenic Misaos: (in the middle of a song) Ding, Dong, the witch is dead! Which old witch, the tranny man!

Sojiro: Ororo…

Kenda: Imagine having to _live _with this…

Sojiro: Ouch.  
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: _I _wouldn't mind so much…

Sojiro: So… Kenda-san, what should I do now?

Kenda: Oro… song coming up… but first… here! Take this **needlessly expensive, but uber shiny and cool footwear! **(Hands Sojiro **Uber-Shiny Magic Tabi.**)

Sojiro: Oooh, shiny.

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: How come **_I_** don't get shiny blue tabi…?

Kenda: Because of budget cuts and author laziness.

Schizophrenic Misao #4: Wendell-sama, you appear to lack feet.

Sojiro: How can tabi be shiny…? They're just socks… are they not?

Kenda: Ummn, sure.

Schizophrenic Misao #8: ahem. Follow the path of the Neutral-toned Berber carpet material. Follow the path of the follow the path of the Neutral-toned Berber carpet material. Follow, follow, follow, follow the path of the Neutral-toned Berber carpet material!

Sojiro: Ummn, sure.

Kenda: STOP COPYING SESSHA!

Sojiro: Fine. Hmmph. C'mon, Wendell.

Kenda: WAIT! I almost forgot to ruin the adventure aspect for you by giving away all the information, as all annoying goodie-goodie characters like Sessha always must! Firstly, as Kenda, the witch of the North, I am the only good and non-Juppongatana witch in all the land of Oro. Kamatari-dono's dead carcass over yonder, of whom I pilfered the **Uber-Shiny Magic Tabi**, (Sojiro: Grave robber…) is a **Big, Mean, Really Really Bad Witch, **the witch of the East, more commonly known as the Land of the Pastries, or the Land of the Kitsune. (shudder) Sessha tries to avoid bokkenage by Kaoru-dono by rarely visiting there, de gozaru! However, to the land of the East, and to the South, are cruel, **Nastily Evil, Wicked, and Otherwise Not Good witches. **They can appear anywhere anytime. In fact, Sessha—

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Wow, you really couldn't see _that_ coming.

Sojiro: Oh, hi there, Yumi-san!—er, I mean…… AAK! Evil!

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Quiet, Kiddo! Wait for your cues! This could be my big break! Or, uh, back to the script! (menacing voice) **_Who killed my cross-dressing brother…! Who killed the Witch of the Pastry Dough?_**

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Ooh! OOH! Pick **me! ME!** (_Dang,_ she's hot!)

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: (Ignoring Wendell) …Well? Anyone?

Sojiro: I didn't mean to kill her! For real, this time!

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Any other time, I'd reward you handsomely, but today, _I _am being paid a truckload to bring dramatic light to this desolate waste. Oh, WOE IS ME!

Sojiro: …

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Still not talking, _eh?_ Time for empty death threats. I'll kill all of you if you don't give me those **Uber-Shiny Magic Tabi. **There. Done. **Hey, CHOU! Your turn!**

Chou the Witch of the South with Matching Accent: Grumble, grumble… why I ever came into this play, I don't know… **_I'm wearin' a FRIGGIN' SKIRT!_**

Enishi sitting in the audience laughing his ass off: Photo-ops! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! If only Sano were in this…. Mufufufufufufu……

Anji is cracking up backstage. Chou had to borrow some of Kamatari's… chest pads to "fill into" the dress he had to wear. Not to mention, he still had, as Himura-san so accurately quoted it in Volume 10, "Hair of Insane Broom." Needless to say, for the Juppongatana not forced to be in the play, they were breaking open the ol' Sake stash and watching the play go by in flying colors. Imagine a drunken Saizuchi, running around backstage like a headless parrot… it actually made some people _happy_ to be acting. Some, like Yumi, would gloat almost unceasingly about her own skill. As Shishio-sama himself once said… "Some have absolute confidence in their own abilities…" Anyways, going on…

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Chou, Witch of the South! Relieve this child of the **Uber-Shiny Magic Tabi! _I WANT THEM REALLY FUCKING BADLY!_**

Chou the Witch of the South with Matching Accent: yeesh. touchy.

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Never mind that! Now that I have made my empty death threat, I shall mysteriously burst into flames and vanish. _Shishio-sama! Now!_

(A flare of fire spurts up out of nowhere. Yumi vanishes, and Chou is left to walk out in a slump.)

Shishio: Mufufufufufufufu……

Sojiro: HI, SHISHIO-SAN!

Shishio: (gone)

Sojiro: Yumi-san…?

Yumi: (gone)

Sojiro: Ah, well, might at least get going. Wendell! Hey, _Wendell!_

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: WHAT…!

Sojiro: Time to go! I hear they have good pastries in Vegas!

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: I'm in.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

I meant to make this chapter longer, up till the "Straw and Bandages Dude," but wanted to post this _today, _so… Gomen, and I'll update whenever. Review! Kudasai? By the way, no offense to any fans of any of the characters portrayed a certain way in this story—I know that the "Schizophrenic Misao" thing got old really fast. Another thing—thanks to all my reviewers! You guys are my motivation to create this thing, and generally add randomness into my life. Arigato! n.n

-Crispy-san


	4. Cooking Oil of Olay Intensive Lavender F...

Saito: Well, sinceMaru-kun so kindly insisted, I'm making an appearance to show all of you just how bad at acting you all really are. Yes, I am great. Feel free to worship. Mondays thru Fridays, Tokio gets the weekends…

Crispy: If you weren't always dissing on my favorite characters in the manga, maybe you would have more appearances… HINT, HINT...

Saito: I can't help it if you're all idiots, can I…?

Crispy: I can understand insulting Senkaku… or Saizuchi… but Sojiro or Shishio…! You bad, bad man!

Saito: What's with all the 'S' names…? Saito, Senkaku, Saizuchi, Sojiro, Shishio, Sano…? Watsuki seems to like the letter S…

Crispy: …Certainly Seems so, Saito-san…

Saito: GAAAAAAAAH! MORE? **_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_** (Runs off screaming)

Crispy: Ah, well… I seem to have that effect on people… -.-"

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

(Sojiro is skipping cutely along the path of the Neutral-Toned Berber carpet material, when he hears a familiar voice…)

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hey! Sojiro! Over here!  
Sojiro: Shishio-san! _There _you are! After you and Yumi-san mysteriously and suggestively vanished together, I was wondering where you'd gotten to…! Um… Shishio-san…? (Looks around, seeing only bubbling vats of creamed corn and mashed turnips… and a very odd-looking and flammable straw-covered lump wrapped up in designer bandages lying on the ground with a Starbucks mug)

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: There! Hey, you! Lumpy guy!

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Why you little… who're you calling lumpy, lumpy!

Sojiro: Shishio-san… you might need a better comeback than _that_ to stop Wendell-san… He's like Bender on Futurama, or something…

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Mufufufufufufufu… true, it is… n.n

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hey, Tenken Sojiro! Get me down from this friggin' pole before I—  
Sojiro: (sweatdrop) point taken… (nervous laugh) …And didn't Crispy say you were "lying on the ground with a Starbucks mug…?"

Straw N' Bandages Dude: (ignores question) Damn Meiji officials… they feared my power, and shot me in the head, burned me alive, stuffed my kimono in straw, and sold me as a scarecrow… Oh, the pain, misery, and _itchiness… _**geez, **I friggin' **hate** this costume… (scratches furiously at self)

Sojiro: (sweatdrop) … How the heck does the pole come off? It doesn't seem to work, and I'm not supposed to notice the **obviously placed bar** that I have to pull out…

Straw N' Bandages Dude: (imaginary sweatdrop)

Sojiro: HEY, an **obviously placed bar**! (pulls out **obviously placed bar**, Straw N' Bandages Dude falls to ground… again.)

Sojiro: YAAAAAAY, I helped Shishio-san! (starts being hyper and bouncing in circles around Straw N' Bandages Dude, acting either drunk, caffeinated, or both… (Crispy while writing this: He's only 16… (sweatdrop)))

Straw N' Bandages Dude: I'm starting to wonder how he always has so much energy…

Sojiro: Hyperness! YAAAAAAY! Yay, yay, yaaaaay! Heheheheheeheheheheheeheheheeheheheheeheheeeeeheeeeeeeeeeee………

Straw N' Bandages Dude: (imaginary sweatdrop) Forget I asked…0.o Oh yeah! Sappy moment time! (cringes) So… where are you off to?

Sojiro: Vegas! For Pastries! ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY GODDESS OF PASTRIES! (all bow respectfully)

Shishio: …

Sojiro: Oh, yeah! And there's this evil Night Witch of Not-goodness chasing me to steal my spiffy footwear.

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Ooooh, spiffy. …Anything else besides the mandatory evil dude/ette?

Sojiro: Weeeeellll… She _did _kinda blow up in a flash of you-generated fiery light stuff… so she might be kinda miffed at you if you join me…

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: She's also really hot.

Shishio: (glares venomously at Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™) …OK, I'm in! I want some Yatsuhashi, too! n.n'(Note: I just got Volume 12 a while ago, Yatsuhashi are the type of pastry Sojiro spent 3 days "buying…")

Sojiro: (gains demonic evil glare) **_NOOOOOOOO! Yatsuhashi are MINE! MIIIIIIINNNNNNEEEEEEEEE!_**

Crispy: …0-o'

Straw N' Bandages Dude: OOH! One more thing! Due to the fact that resin-coated straw is both impermeable and highly flammable, any kinda spark will basically burn me to a crisp… or at least, even crispier than I _already _am…

Sojiro: Shishio-san fears fire…? O.o'

Straw N' Bandages Dude: …

Sojiro: Soooo… I'm gonna go visit the Wizard of Oro so he'll send me to Vegas in a navy-blue helicopter! (A/N: reference to an old Russian childrens' song… 0-o gomen nasai…)

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hmmn… I suppose I could tolerate traveling with an emotionless kid and a perverted plushie long enough to get some lavender moisturizing cream…

Crispy: (looks in script) Ummm… Shishio-san…? It's not face cream, it's—

Straw N' Bandages Dude: **SO WHAT!** Are you saying I need a _brain_? As if I don't have plenty of sanity as it is…? (rubs hands together and cackles like a madman)

Crispy: (MEGA SWEATDROP…) 0-o**'''''''''''''''''''**

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Besides! Have _you _ever been burnt alive…? You need to keep your skin from getting rough… (Salesman voice) **_SO BUY "COOKING OIL OF OLAY" LAVENDER INTENSIVE FACIAL SCRUB FOR FIRE-CHARRED SKIN, TODAY! _**The only logical choice for the logical madman!

(Mass sweatdrop from all but Straw N' Bandages Dude, who continues to clap his now-significantly-moisturized, disturbingly burnt hands together and applaud his own skin-care ads while, yes, cackling like a madman.)

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Hey! So, can I come…?

Sojiro: o.0' ummmmmmmn…… OK…

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Splendid, old chap! Ohohohohoho!

Crispy: OMG! HE'S STARTING TO TALK LIKE USUI! (runs off to hide quivering behind Sojiro)

Sojiro: Oro?

Usui: I HEARD THAT! SHISHIO IS IMITATING ME AGAIN, EH?

Crispy: Oro… now… Canadian….! (swirly eyes) CONFUSION……

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: Makes sense he heard it though, he has the whole Heart's Eye thing going…

Straw N' Bandages Dude: HEY! It's Yumi! _Dang, she's hot!_

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: STOP (BLEEEEEEEPIN') COPYING ME!

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: o.0' ……OH, YES! I FORGOT! I have to set Shishio-sama on fire! FWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Crispy: Well, if Yumi could be more OOC than _this, _I would be amazed… but WAIT! Yumi-sama! You're supposed to wait for Saito-san to show up, and then—

Tin-Wolf of Mibu: …

Crispy: GAAAH! How long were you standing there…? 0.0"""""""""

Tin-Wolf of Mibu: Most of the scene, actually. Awaiting my chance to jump in and take over.

Straw N' Bandages Dude: HEY! That's MY job! (Angry Kaoru eyes)

Sojiro: Saito-san! Catch! (throws bottle of Straw N' Bandage Dude's "Cooking Oil of Olay" stuff at the rusted policeman's feet)

Saito: Ummm… I'm kinda… rusted. Help, anyone…? (all turn their backs and talk amongst themselves)

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o(5 MINUTE MUMBLE BREAK) -o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Straw N' Bandages Dude: (pauses to use moisturizer on skin around mouth, enabling him to speak) We have reached our decision!  
Tin-Wolf of Mibu: …and? (tries to pace impatiently, but fails for obvious reasons)

Sojiro: We'll help you… under one condition…! Crispy-san has to rewrite the script to make you act as totally OOC as possible! The personality should be… hmmmm…

Straw N' Bandages Dude: Ayame and/or Suzume!

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: (Yes, she's still there…o-0'') Kamatari!

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Kamatari's generic corpse!

Usui: An insane blind guy!

(Mass sweatdrop…)

Crispy: How 'bout… The CEO of Starbucks! (Puppy dog eyes)

Sojiro: Or someone _really_ random, like… Toshimichi Okubo!

Crispy: …You killed Toshimichi Okubo, remember?

Sojiro: Oh…yeah… but still! Okubo it is!

Straw N' Bandages Dude: I object, Your Pastryness! Okubo is just another corrupt government official!

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: I agree with Makoto-chan! Okubo is just a freeze-dried corpse in a government cemetery somewhere! …And I know for one, that _I'm _not gonna be digging him up!

Sojiro: Wendell? How 'bout you?

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: (asleep)

Sojiro: Being a womanizer must be exhausting… anyway, this leaves is up to Usui-san and Crispy-san.

Usui: Okubo is an idiot. Even more than Houji, and that's saying something.

Houji, backstage: HEY! (Crispy throws a brick behind her, and Houji's voice yelling in anger and pain is heard loudly…)

(Mass sweatdrop)

Crispy: (This is a fanfiction… thus, if I write I hit Houji with a brick, it doesn't matter _how _inaccurately I throw, if I say it hit him, then hit him it did. Crispy's 2nd Law of Fanfictions. (The first being that Sojiro MUST ALWAYS be included in everything. Same goes for Shishio-san.))So… this leaves it up to me… um… how about Saito is just Saito, it's 4:00 am and I'm tired of continuing this pointless argument, I want sleep. (zonks out in middle of stage) KLUNK!

(Mass sweatdrop) (Houji runs up and kicks Crispy's sleeping form. Crispy twitches and mumbles something in her sleep, but otherwise continues her infamous "sleeping like an iron stone log" sleep pattern, as it was once referred to.)

Thus, Saito remains as Saito-like as possible for a Crispy fanfic, which is basically as OOC as it gets anyway…

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: OK, **NOW **I get to set Shishio-sama on fire! WEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Straw N' Bandages Dude: … 0-o''''''''' (bursts into flames) AAAAUUUGHHH!

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: (collapses into tears) OH, **NO!** What have I done…? **_MAKO-CHAN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_**

Sojiro: 0.o'

Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: He's burning! HE'S BURNING!

Tin-Wolf of Mibu: …

Crispy: (wakes up) EVERYONE SHUT UP! I'M TRYING TO—WTF! Shishio-san is burning! ……Coolness.

Straw N' Bandages Dude: (totally loses it) _I'M (BLEEEEEEEEP)'IN ON **FIRE, **PEOPLE! THE (BLEEEEP)'IN **LEAST **YOU COULD (BLEEEEEEEEP)'IN DO IS PUT OUT THE (BLEEEEEEP)'IN FIRE!_

(Mass sweatdrop)

Sojiro: O.0'''' (A/N: He's been doing that a lot…)  
Wendell the Talking Walrus Plushie™: Oh, my virgin ears…

(Yet another mass sweatdrop)

Yumi the Night Witch of Not-Goodness: This is boring. Gotta fly. Literally. Ohohohohoho.

Sojiro: I'll save you, Shishio-san! (throws nearest object at Straw N' Bandages Dude, which would have doubtlessly made a heroic rescue attempt… if the nearest object had not been Shishio's magic bottle of "Cooking Oil of Olay" skin cream.)

Straw N' Bandages Dude: (would sweatdrop if not for several reasons… Number 1, Shishio can't sweat, and number 2, even if he could, he was currently subject to burning temperatures of circa 4000 degrees Farenheit. And he'd just been altruistically dunked in cooking oil. Ain't life grand?

Shishio: HOLY SHIMOLY!

(Mass sweatdrop)

(Crispy drags out her infamous Pudding Gun)

Crispy: EAT TAPIOCA, YOU FLAMING MUMMY!

Straw N' Bandages Dude: sizzle sizzle… (flops over backwards) x.x"""""""""""""""""

Sojiro:… Oh well, going on without him!

Crispy: Right!

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o


End file.
